Pointers for unlocking the secret to a more fulfilling professional life
By Rick Goodfriend
Working professionals in America spend an average of 45 hours a week at work; that’s well over half of the waking hours in the day. Despite these long hours, workers often see their colleagues merely as daily acquaintances whose brief chats in the break room serve as welcome distractions from the daily grind. The sad truth about the American workplace is that although we spend a significant portion of our lives with co-workers, we often have few, if any, real friendships to show for it.
Experiencing genuine emotional connections with co-workers can be difficult given the constraints of a professional environment. Studies show, however, that one or a few strong workplace relationships may be just what is needed for a fulfilling job experience. In fact, recent research out of Australia conducted by the Australian Institute of Management Victoria & Tasmania backs up this fact. Sixty-seven percent of 2,223 respondents in its study cited “good relationships with coworkers” as the major reason for staying at their current jobs, easily beating out “job satisfaction” and “salary.”
Fortunately, more workplaces are realizing the value of friendships within their workforce. In a Randstad survey of 1,017 U.S. adults, 49 percent of managers reported that they support and encourage the development of friendships in their workplaces. Thirty-eight percent of the same managers noted increased productivity as a benefit of intraoffice friendships.
When the personal and organizational benefits are considered, a compelling case is made for formation of workplace friendships. So, what is stopping us?
Just like any other relationship, building strong connections with co-workers takes focused effort and practice, but there is nothing complicated about it. All that is required is a simple understanding that successful communication is rooted in compassion and empathy. Those universal concepts can be applied to the professional environment with the practices outlined in the sections below.
Do Not Reply With I, But with You
In a fast-paced working environment, we often listen and respond far too hastily. A common interaction may sound like this:
Manager: “I didn’t get the report from you by the end of the day yesterday when I needed it. Where is it?”
Employee: “I had a lot of other priorities and didn’t get approval in time. As soon as I have time, I will send you a final copy.”
While communication occurs, each person is focusing solely on his or her own needs and blocking the possibility for understanding and connection. An improved response would sound something like:
Manager: “I didn’t get the report from you by the end of the day yesterday when I needed it. Where is it?”
Employee: “You must have been frustrated and confused by that. I apologize. I had a lot of other priorities and didn’t get approval in time. As soon as I have time, I will send you a final copy. Will that work for you?”
Notice that much of the same language is used, except that in the second scenario the employee listened for the subtext and realized how the manager’s need for dependability wasn’t met and then acknowledged that.
The “you”-focused reply shows understanding and works to make the speaker feel valued—the first step to building a friendship.
Show Gratitude
When was the last time you saw “say thanks” as an agenda item? If your workplace is like most other domestic ones, the answer is probably “never.” All people have reasons to be thankful, but if there is no explicit intention to express this gratitude to the recipient. it loses its value. Furthermore, when gratitude is expressed it is more powerful if the statement is explicit and mentions the need that is met. For example, see the difference between Scenarios 1 and 2:
Scenario 1: “Thanks for bringing me the report before the deadline.”
Scenario 2: “It is important to me that I am able to trust and depend on you, so thank you for meeting those needs by bringing me the report in advance of the deadline.”
In the second scenario, the person acknowledges their need to feel trust and dependability and states how their colleague fulfilled that need. This shows the colleague that they are truly valued.
With this new technique in mind, schedule time to communicate your gratitude to a few co-workers each day. The five minutes directly following lunch or the last five minutes of the day are both great times for this. It can be as simple as stopping by someone’s desk or sending an email thanking them for a project they did. Your proactive expression of gratitude will create a positive communication climate, paving the way for a stronger friendship.
Put the “Fix-It” Approach on Hold
When we see people frustrated or struggling with a situation at work, our first response is to fix the problem as soon as possible. Although it is counterintuitive, fixing is not the most helpful response. Above their need to find a solution, people want empathy and understanding.
In a professional environment where problems do need to be solved, relationships will be strengthened if this response is suppressed for just a moment to connect first. See the difference between Scenarios 1 and 2.
Scenario 1:
Employee No. 1: “I can’t get the printer to work! I have tried three times, and the document isn’t printing.”
Employee No. 2: “Did you select the right printer? Is there paper in the tray?”
Scenario 2:
Employee No. 1: “I can’t get the printer to work! I have tried three times, and the document isn’t printing.”
Employee No. 2: “That must be frustrating. It sounds like you would appreciate some help. Maybe check to see if the correct printer is selected and there is paper in the tray.”
With a few simple sentences, understanding and care is expressed for the coworker, clearing a path for a solution to be better received.
Being intentional about implementing these simple tips will go a long way toward creating friendships that make all of our workplaces happier, healthier, more productive environments.
Rick Goodfriend has been teaching communication skills to business audiences and the public for more than a decade. He is an alumnus of the Nonviolent Communications leadership program, where he furthered his personal expertise in these innovative communication techniques and was motivated to teach them as well. Goodfriend also is Founder of World Empathy Day. It is a day of increased consciousness for peaceful communication, connection with self and others, forgiveness and acceptance. It is celebrated with participants around the world. Goodfriend is available internationally for speaking engagements at corporate events, training and educational forums. He is open, too, to media interviews and contributing content on relevant subjects. To learn more, visit http://rickgoodfriend.com/.
